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Toilet Paper Anyone?

By March 20, 2020August 18th, 2020No Comments

BY NOW EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS FALLEN INTO THE PANIC OF THE CORONAVIRUS.  WE HAVE BEEN SPIRALED INTO A WHIRLWIND OF SHOPPING FOR A LOAD OF SUPPLIES WORTHY OF SURVIVING AN APOCALYPSE.  WE HAVE, FALLEN INTO ANXIETY OF WHETHER WE HAVE ENOUGH TO STAY ALIVE AND/OR IF WE HAVE COME INTO CONTACT WITH SOMEONE CARRYING THE VIRUS.

LAST WEEK I, MYSELF, SCURRIED THROUGH THE GROCERY STORES SEEKING OUT SUPPLIES.  I HAD HEARD ABOUT THE TOILET PAPER SHORTAGES BUT DID NOT BELIEVE IT.  LOW AND BEHOLD IT WAS TRUE.  NO TP IN STOCK ANYWHERE . . . OR IT WAS BEING RATIONED OUT!  THIS REALLY STOOD OUT TO ME.  WHAT IS IT ABOUT TP IN PARTICULAR?  THE VIRUS WE ARE DEALING WITH IS NOT A DISEASE OF THE GUT OR A PARASITE OF SORT THAT WILL THROW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM FOR HOURS…

I MEAN, DO NOT GET ME WRONG.   I AM WITH YOU ALL WHEN IT COMES TO BEING CONCERNED ABOUT THE HEALTH OF OUR COMMUNITY BUT I DO NOT SHARE THE SAME WORRY OVER TOILET PAPER.  MAYBE IT IS BECAUSE I AM FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY AND I HAVE GONE THROUGH CHALLENGES OF SCARCITY DURING MY LIFETIME.  I HAVE ALWAYS FIGURED OUT A WAY TO BE RESOURCEFUL.

ANYWAY, I FIND THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND THIS TP HOARDING TO BE FASCINATING!  WHAT IS THE CONCERN?  DON’T WE THINK OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE IN NEED BECAUSE WE BOUGHT ALL THE TP ROLLS?!   I WAS THINKING THAT IF WE DID HYPOTHETICALLY RUN OUT, COULDN’T WE BE CREATIVE?  I CAME UP WITH LOTS OF SUGGESTIONS FOR OTHER TP SOLUTIONS.

BUT FIRST LET’S PUT THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE, SHALL WE?

TOILET PAPER WAS INVENTED IN CHINA (INTERESTING COINCIDENCE) IN THE 2ND CENTURY BC.  IT WAS ACTUALLY CREATED FOR THE EMPERORS! SO CURIOUS.  HOW DID THEY CLEAN THEIR BUTTS BEFORE?!  I IMAGINE THAT ONE DAY AN EMPEROR SAID TO HIS COURT, “HEY GUYS. I COMMAND YOU TO INVENT SOMETHING FOR MY PERSONAL NEEDS! I AM TIRED OF THIS %$#@! SOMETIMES I MESS UP MY FANCY SUIT!  AND TA DAAAA : TOILET PAPER MADE ITS WAY INTO OUR COLLECTIVE HISTORY! CAN YOU BELIEVE THESE PAPER SHEETS WERE PERFUMED FOR THE EMPERORS!

INVESTIGATING A LITTLE FURTHER, MASS PRODUCTION OF TP STARTED 1857 IN THE UNITED STATES!  DOES THIS MEAN THAT BEFORE THE MASS PRODUCTION IT WAS “HANDMADE” AND ONLY AVAILABLE TO THE WEALTHY? WHAT DID REGULAR PEOPLE USE? LEAVES? DIRT? I AM KIDDING.  THEY PROBABLY USED CLOTH, RIGHT?! GERMANY STARTED PRODUCING TP FOR EUROPE IN 1928. THE HISTORY OF TP IS RATHER VAGUE.  IT IS A SUBJECT ABOUT WHICH WE ARE SHY.

I DID READ THAT IN 1973 THE AMERICAN PUBLIC WENT INTO MASS HYSTERIA SHOPPING FOR TP AFTER JOHNNY CARSON MADE SOME JOKE ABOUT RUNNING OUT.  TODAY, THE PANIC IS NOT ABOUT A SHORTAGE. IT IS THE IDEA OF A SHORTAGE. BY THE WAY, I DID DISCOVER THROUGH BBC THAT THERE IS NO NEED TO WORRY THAT WE WILL RUN OUT.  THE PRODUCTION IS HUGE!

SO MY QUESTION IS, WHY WE ARE SO PANICKED ABOUT IT.  HMMM.  MAYBE WE ARE JUST SO USED TO CONVENIENCE?  CONVENIENCE EQUALS SECURITY?  HAVING ENOUGH TP MEANS WE HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL?  OR THAT IF WE HAVE ENOUGH TP, WE CAN STAY HOME FOR MONTHS ON END?  OF COURSE, I UNDERSTAND. WHO WANTS TO GET THEIR HANDS DIRTY?! TRUST ME, I HAVE BEEN INFLUENCED BY THE FRENZY. PSYCHOLOGY STUDIES SHOW THAT WE MIMIC PEOPLE IN A MECHANICAL WAY WITH NO THOUGHT BEHIND IT.

I DO HAVE SOME SUGGESTIONS, THOUGH, IN CASE YOU DO RUN OUT OF PAPER.  HAVE NO FEAR.  THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER MATERIALS WE COULD USE!  HERE ARE SOME SUGGESTIONS AND PLEASE IF YOU HAVE ANOTHER SUGGESTIONS, SHARE THEM WITH ME!  HUMOR IS SALVATION!

   USE:

1)     KLEENEX

2)     PAPER TOWELS

3)     MAKE UP REMOVER WIPES OR PADS

4)     IF YOU BUY SHOES WITH US, OPEN YOUR BOXES AND YOU WILL HAVE SOFT  TISSUE PAPER

5)     BUY A BIDET

6)     IF YOU EAT COLD CUT MEATS OR SLICED CHEESES, IT IS SEPARATED WITH SOME KIND OF THIN SOFT PAPER

7)     PAPER NAPKINS

8)     WIPIES

9)     OLD SOCKS

10)  REALLY, ANY OLD CLOTHES THAT ARE TOO WORN OUT TO GIVE AWAY

11)  OLD LETTERS

12)  OLD BILLS

13)  OLD TAX RETURNS

14)  OLD NEWSPAPERS (IF YOU EVEN HAVE ANY!)

15)  YOUR DIVORCE PAPERS

16)  SHOPPING LISTS YOU FIND LAYING AROUND YOUR HOUSE OR IN YOUR CAR

ANY MORE THOUGHTS?  I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU ARE THINKING OR HOPING THIS TIME OF CRISIS WILL BRING TO YOU, US, THE COMMUNITY?  I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT THERE ARE NO CHALLENGES; ONLY OPPORTUNITIES.

IN THE MEANTIME, KEEP IT LIGHT, KEEP IT SAFE, AND KEEP IT SIMPLE.  WE ARE HERE AT GOLER IF YOU HAVE ANY SHOPPING NEEDS! WE WILL HAPPILY FACETIME WITH YOU, RUN SHOES OUT TO YOU IN THE PARKING LOT OR EVEN DELIVER STRAIGHT TO YOUR OWN DOOR!  LET’S KEEP THE LOCAL BUSINESSES VIBRANT!

THESE ARE JUST ONLY A FEW SUGGESTIONS. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AT GUADALUPEJ4K@GMAIL.COM